I'm baaaaaa...ck

Monday morning. It’s rainy. It’s grey. Stereotypical Seattle weather, though it suits my mood.

I haven’t written in ages, but I’m sitting at my desk, and my fingers - they just started typing without me. Before I knew what happened I had sent 3 long winded personal emails and started a blog post….I don’t even have a blog any more. Hmmmm…maybe I should start one again. I miss writing and sharing and collaborating with other bloggers.

I also miss routines and normalcy. I’m craving order and that scares me. I divorced normal and routine and order. I gave up on it, saying that it was squashing my freedom, knowing that it was inhibiting my own natural tendencies and slowly killing off a part of me. But yet, I still miss parts of that old life. For over a year I’ve been living out of boxes and being spontaneous and going with the flow. For over a year I’ve made unconscious decisions, just because they felt right. I have played and grown and loved. I’ve been bold and strong and emotional and open to everything the Universe sent my way. I have felt more “me” than ever before. Not the “me” that I used to try to be, that I used to want to be, that I used to think I was supposed to be; but the person whom I intrinsically am. The me that wakes up in the morning without an alarm clock, reaches over for kisses and then leaps into her day with joy, a sense of adventure, and multiple pots of coffee.

I guess that year was partially about making up for lost time; dipping my toe in to test the waters. Now I just need to take a little time to reconcile it all. I need to take what worked in the past and what is working in the present and somehow morph them into a more ideal future. I guess I’m just not as much of an all or nothing girl as I thought I was. I guess that is why I’m writing now. I woke up and remembered that writing works for me and that I miss it. Writing is my own personal set of checks and balances, it reconciles the real the perceived and guides me to whatever is supposed to come next.

In the interest of reconciling those things and determining what works for me, I thought I needed a plan, a statement of intent, as it is. Here is my first attempt at my manifesto:

(Wo)manifesto –FIRST DRAFT

I will live my life with my heart on my sleeve; not afraid to feel or express my emotions, because they are what make me uniquely, perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully human. I will tell the people whom I love that I love them often, in my words and my actions.

I will strive to increase my intelligence, massage my brain, grow my knowledge and be an informed person.

I will use my creativity every day. Whether in writing, photography, making a comfortable home, working or cooking a meal. If I cannot express myself creatively, I lose a part of me, so I will infuse it into my life daily. I will acknowledge that I am an artist and that my work is of value.

I will set and meet personal and professional goals. I will make solid, concrete plans and stick to them, not allowing myself to succumb to procrastination techniques just because I am afraid of failing or not being good enough. If (and when) I fail, I treat myself fairly and with love, just like I would anyone else.

I will pay attention to my health and take good physical, mental and emotional care of myself. I will make decisions that will increase my energy, stamina and concentration. This includes making sure that I spend adequate time outside, by the water, near the trees, breathing deeply.

I will be spontaneous and always make room for play in my life. I will make love and joy a priority and the way that I spend my time will refect those priorities, even if that means I’ve got a sink full of dirty dishes.

I will use my time wisely, be it for work or play or rest or responsibility, but never without care or intent.

I will make financial plans that will allow me freedom and stability in the future. I will invest in my company’s retirement account, I will pay off my credit card debt and I will start a savings account with the goal of saving enough for 6 months of expenses.

I will seek out like minded individuals to surround me, to envelop me. I will build a family of friends to rely on and collaborate on life with. Together we will love, learn, grow and support each other.

I will not apologize for being me. I will live with intention, integrity and love because I believe that is what is right for me. I will not seek your approval nor will I judge you and the way you live your life.